Pretty wheelchair girl

And suddenly I’m back in 2004… and then in 2009. I’ve spent the evening alone listening to Evanescence, who carried me through many a heartbreak. Although, I still cannot listen to ”Bring Me to Life” or “My Immortal”… that song fucked me up so bad when me and Scott broke up… One of the million times. And they’re both just overplayed AF.

Something about her words help heal the little broken girl inside me. And Hole… her lyrics do the same. I’m fucking loving this old familiar feeling. It feels like I’ve always been heartbroken… like I’m always meant to come back to this place or something. Maybe because I lost myself again… but holy God damn I feel like I’m getting back there. Maybe next time I can bring someone in here… or at least meet them halfway? No… I’m fully willing to move away from me and meet another way more than halfway, I’m willing to dive deep into them. I need someone willing to meet me halfway. I never felt safe enough to let any man even come close to halfway. His loss.

And here I am, revisiting the old music, and old heartbreak, and old poetry… all these versions of old Maggie. Like I’m trying to connect and heal her… building a bridge. And look what I fucking drew in my journal during this time exactly 22 years ago:

The previous journal entry is from November 14, and the next journal entry after this is November 18. Today is November 16, right smack dab in the middle.

I built this bridge to reach this current version of myself. I forgot about it, and now I’m recrossing to save her. And in turn, she is saving me.

Hello beautiful! I fucking missed you. You were never alone this whole time, and I’m so sorry you suffered feeling that way… and you’re not alone now. I will never forget about you ever again. I will honor you forever. You made us so strong! All your work and all your heartache is such a gift to the jaded adult I have allowed to take over for quite a while now. You think and feel on a level so deep and beautiful… we need to share it with others. It’s time. Now, we will always have each other.

Thank you so much for all your hard work and for building this bridge.

I love you! I love you so fucking much.

(entry from November 16, 2021)