Pretty wheelchair girl

Well, look at that. More than a year has flown by without checking in with my blog. Consequently, my inner attention whore has really been showing up to express displeasure with this, and obviously, she must be appeased. So I found a FABULOUS designer through some mutual connections, conveyed my vision and style preferences and had her build me this lovely new website. I’m obsessed!

So as I lay here, in my peaceful bedroom, dictating to my computer, blasting BANKS through my AirPods, thinking about what to share in a way that both balances the needs of my attention whore and allows me to stay humble enough to not just be narcissistically jerking myself off, I’m thinking a lot about my values.

What IS good? Is it what’s true? Correct? What does it mean to BE good? It sucks that I’m still figuring this out… but what better day to channel this energy than today? May the 4th… Insert gay Star Wars reference.

Someday when I write a book, the title and forward will be something like this:
“Ode to an Attention Whore – A Hero’s Journey
No one should read these words or listen when I speak. It serves only to validate the deepest parts of me that I need a vessel to experience myself. It’s entirely self gratifying and narcissistic. However, in one way or another life experience taught me that in order to be “good” I should be captivating. I’m wired for attention, acceptance and approval. It’s a terrible, heavy burden with a priceless pay off.
This work is an attempt to “face at the same time my greatest suffering and my greatest hope” in a captivating manner so I can be good.”

Or maybe this is a more appropriate title and forward for my blog? The quote at the end is from Nietzsche on what he considers bravery. Because even though I do see it as narcissistic and self-serving, sharing here also makes me feel brave. My therapist calls this “holding opposites.” So I’m a brave narcissist, at least?

I’m probably not REALLY a narcissist but I do like to call myself out. And in the spirit of that…there’s something so creepy Freudian about perseverating on what’s “good” and how to be good, right? Like, say you have mommy issues without saying you have mommy issues…

However, I wonder what percentage of my values, and what I truly think is good and worthy and noble, is constructed from negative experience, especially related to disability. Like, do I really value helping others and advocating for system change? Or do I just feel helpless and vulnerable and those are my tactics to deal with those feelings? Do I really value hard work and productivity? Or am I just afraid to be viewed as lazy and incapable?

Furthermore, what’s good and what’s true and correct changes all the time, based on lived experience. I’m obsessed with “So True” podcast with Caleb Hearon right now. He’s an actor and standup comedian and is just fucking so brilliant and talented. At the end of each episode he asks his guests ”What’s so true for you right now?” The mom identity was true and correct for me for many many years, as has been the disability advocate identity. Neither one ring totally true for me at this stage in my life. I mean, I’ll always be a mom and I’ll certainly always be an advocate… but I don’t feel the need to drape myself in the figurative fur coat of the identity of either one any longer. One of my descriptors in my Instagram tagline says “Trash Person” which is probably the most accurate identity.

Sooo, what’s so true right now? I feel pretty stoked about career development. I just got my masters in public administration and there are several future prospects to look forward to. It’s also so true that it feels good to be back to writing and now that I have this fancy new website it’s so true that I feel creatively incentivized to contribute more.

What’s so true for you right now?