Pretty wheelchair girl

In a world where everything is at your fingertips, but you’re a person that doesn’t have conscious control over your fingertips, you might feel prone to feel extra sorry for yourself… especially when it comes to apps and online dating. There is so much information on the internet around online dating, and just dating in general, even dating with a disability… but no matter how much I read and study and research, the whole experience is still MUCHO anxiety inducing and often cringey. Why am I doing this?

It’s now 2 years post devastating break up, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m ready to try again. Which, speaking of anxiety inducing and cringey, I feel like I went through all the dramatic break up motions and need to call myself out: publicly declaring my singleness on social media, deleting every scrap of evidence that I was ever in a relationship, counseling, coaching, drinking about it, thinking about it, talking about it, INCESSANTLY journaling about it, publicly blogging about it… check. UGH. Can we learn from this one please, Maggie?

Part of my healing came in the form of an 8 week online coaching course on boundaries. I really connected with one of my coaches, a fabulous women named Kristi. She’s 20 years older than me and only in the last several years has undergone her own personal revolution. She was married to her husband for 30 years only to discover… she’s gay! She got a divorce, started an online dating profile and is currently with the love of her life and future wife. Her story and her bravery was so inspiring to me. So after some heartfelt and difficult conversations, she convinced me to give it a try and make a profile for myself.

So I literally googled ”best dating apps” and then began the delicate dance of… What do I say about myself? What do I leave out? How many pictures do I post? Honesty and transparency are very important to me, but how far do I go with that right away? I was watching Lex Fridman’s podcast the other day and he was talking about the troubles with online dating profiles. He said something like… “I don’t need you to have read Solzhenitsyn for literary reasons. I want to know if you know what it means to suffer. I want to know you’ve thought about it.” And that rang so much truth to me. 

How are we supposed to choose a proper mate from a couple words on a computer screen? I mean, no one puts their toxic traits right up front… maybe I should:

“Hi! I’m Maggie. I’m a Scorpio. Due to adolescent trauma, I’m deeply afraid that my needs will go unmet, so instead of articulating them directly, I’ll be passive aggressive until you figure it out for yourself. Marry me?”

I am, however, very open and upfront about my disability. It’s very apparent, it’s part of my identity, and it needs to be talked about with any potential mate. I have limitations that seriously impact my life, but in no way make me unworthy or undeserving of romance and love… And it’s really important to me that my future partner feels that same way. Honestly, I just won’t have it any other way.

Oh make no mistake, I don’t feel this way all the time. I try to convince myself of my own inherent unworthiness all the fucking time. I just try to remember that all humans do it. We are all our own worst critics and we all tell ourselves lies that make us feel like shit. Except for that the disability community has its own special term for just this feeling: internalized ableism.

Internalized ableism is a result of shame and stigma masked in disability. When a disabled person feels negative emotions and truly feels like their disability is the source. My internalized ableism tells me many things, but these in particular about my future partner:  

They will only infantilize or fetishize me
They would never want to help care for me
They will resent me
They won’t understand me
They will eventually realize I’m too much

Etc. etc. etc.

So I’ll pose the question again… Why am I doing this?

I’m doing this because I understand that the bullshit I think sometimes is a result of internalized ableism caused by medical model thinking which is still very prevalent, especially in America. I understand this is an attitudinal barrier that has succeeded in preventing personal growth for many individuals. I fucking refuse for it to prevent my personal growth any further.

I’m doing this because I need a little external validation from the opposite sex in a safe and adaptive way. We all need to heal our Freudian adolescent issues at some point, right? I will work on mine by continuing to kindly reject (but still feel validated by) the many, MANY offers for ”no strings attached fun” even when it comes from an absolute smokeshow that lives REAL close… And also by having more intellectually stimulating conversations with nice, good men, like a particularly handsome Canadian, for example.

I’m doing this because I’m hopeful and committed to experiencing a full and meaningful life for the time I have left on this planet. And that means growing and learning and loving… Lots.

Wish me luck! 

Actually… Fuck that. 

Wish me love 🙂