Pretty wheelchair girl

I’ve probably heard this phrase a billion times, and always assumed that it had to do with fall and winter weather change… like falling dead leaves and then in the spring new leaves are grown, and so it’s like a process of turning over a new leaf, and its cyclical and never ending… Right? Except for that’s dead fucking wrong. In ye olde timey times a “leaf” was a page in a book. So ”turning over a new leaf” means turning the page.

It means dropping old habits and adopting new ones. It’s reinvention, it’s a fresh start, it’s a blank canvas, it’s digression from the status quo. And for me it has a positive context because it connotes awareness and control over this new direction as well. Unlike the predictable and cyclical seasons, it’s spontaneous and intentional.

I feel like I’ve been on a spiritual journey over the last year and a half to dig out and become friends with Maggie’s selfawarewolf. If you’re unfamiliar, the selfawarewolf recognizes their own flaws, mistakes, or faulty logic, but does not see them as a problem to be addressed or connect them to their own behavior and beliefs… I’ve always been able to easily recognize the drama and problems in other people, but not so much in my own bullshit. Yet, I’ve always thought I was a little more introspective and self aware than most… and through much digging and reading and studying and counseling: I’m finally SO content in the awareness that I don’t know shit about shit.

Just in rereading some of my writing in this blog from the past year:
I know what I fucking want?
Every time I piss or shit my pants is hilarious?
I’m the only one with notions about what good sex actually is?
BITCH PLEASE

I know nothing.

CLEARLY I’ve been going through some shit and I’m trying to work it out by talking it out and writing it out. Fortunately I’m only sharing a fraction of what I write… because Jesus Christ this shit is emo, and what I write privately tends to be even more so sometimes… You should be in my fucking head. It’s a mess up here. And not everything needs to be shared.

I just feel like I can’t be the only one feeling this way, right? I’ve spent so much time in my life feeling alone and lonely in my emotions, while simultaneously projecting this image of strength and resilience. And it’s not even intentional, it’s just what I do it this point in my life, which I’ve learned from past experience, and which I’ve learned works very well.

I’ve also spent so much of my life clinging to identities. My very first post in this blog describes my identity with disability, and also that “the identity that brings me the most pride and satisfaction in life is the one that makes me a Mom.” I identify with my job as a disability advocate, and I REALLY loved identifying as someone’s fiancé. It’s definitely what makes every break up so devastating for me… it spirals an identity crisis. And then all the fucking feelings I don’t like feeling.

Last night my sons moved out of our house. They graduated from high school last May, Turned 18, and began working full-time right away. The logical next step in adulthood is moving into their own place, and that just happened. “I’M FINE” I keep proclaiming loudly, hoping to convince myself, obviously. So, one might think that I’m primed for another full-blown identity crisis, and in time, who knows maybe… but I feel like I’ve learned a thing or two and I have a say so in this matter, FINALLY. And it involves behavior changes and feeling all those fucking feelings.

So in the spirit of turning over a new leaf, or turning the page, I’m pretty stoked for this next chapter. For the first time in my life, I get to think about what’s next in a way that is completely unattached from any other human being. As my identities are shifting and even shedding away, I’m looking forward instead of back. I now have two vacant rooms in my house to decorate and transform into whatever my deviant heart desires. I also started drawing again, and I’m writing and performing stand up comedy as an outlet for my deviant desires. It’s so much fun.

But finally, I’m really looking forward to identifying as Maggie, the human being, with an astonishingly bright future, who still doesn’t know shit about shit… but is so willing to keep writing and continuously turn the page.

Cheers bitches.

Love,
Maggie